Mundane & Metaphysical Fertility Strategies


There are some females in this world who will not feel complete unless they get to experience everything there is about being a woman. Part of that, without a doubt, is carrying a child and being a mother. IMHO, as humans go, it is THE most miraculous thing we can do. Fuck going to the moon. Fuck macramé. Fuck microwave burritos. Growing another human inside of you is THE trick to end all tricks. So it’s kind of a big thing for those of us who can do it, and it can be devastating if, for one reason or another, that biological and psychological impulse cannot be fulfilled. Here, I am going to discuss mundane strategies for getting pregnant first, and then I will address some metaphysical strategies. I do not guarantee any or all of these tactics will work. There are physical maladies that cause infertility that are not addressable, even through proper medical intervention. However, if the runway is clear, but the plane has yet to get liftoff, I pretty sure I can at least get you in the air.

The Mundane:

  • Redo the bedroom and make it a room that you both can feel sexy in.
  • Get rid of the exercise equipment, TV, computer, cell phones, and anything else that can be distracting and decidedly sooo un-sexy in the bedroom.
  • Take up yoga for its physical as well as its anti-stress benefits. Think of your yoga routine as a way of preparing your body for the baby it will carry (and the awesome sex you will have in the process of getting pregnant).
  • Institute a date night that will allow you to connect as couple, first and foremost. Absolutely no talk about babies is allowed.
  • Do not bother with tracking ovulation and body temperature and all the rest of the stuff that seems like it would be helpful but only serves to stress you out and, ultimately, be unhelpful.
  • Take an energy and libido enhancing supplement like yohimbe extract or maca root.
  • Avoid coffee and sugar.
  • Get additional sunlight and connect with nature more; care for some houseplants, go for a hike, grow a garden, make a terrarium.
  • Avoid people who are going to increase your stress about getting or not getting pregnant. Cut them out of your life for a while if you have to.

The Metaphysical:

  • Plant a fruit tree in your backyard (fruit trees symbolize fertility).
  • Carry or wear rose quartz, carnelian, and garnet to open the heart, increase fertility, and to strengthen sexual vitality.
  • Plan at least a few of your sexual encounters around the full moon (just don’t do it in a way that causes stress). As it is full and round, so will you be.
  • Place an elephant with an upraised trunk facing your front door, to draw and welcome a new life into your home.
  • Display a pair of rabbits on your nightstand, as they are known for their reproductive superiority.
  • Buy a pair of baby booties, pink or blue, depending on the sex of the child you wish to conceive, and sleep with them under your pillow. If you don’t care which sex, then use yellow.
  • After you get your bedroom situation sorted out, do not move or sweep under your bed, as this can cause infertility and miscarriages. Just learn to think of the dust bunnies as more reproductive symbolism.
  • Start working with a fertility goddess and petition her to conceive. I am partial to Kuan Yin for many reasons, but given the high population of her followers, she’s a pretty good one with which to work.
  • Make and use this Fertility Mojo. Add the following to a baby booty of your choice and place it between the mattress and box spring of your bed, about where your stomach will be as you are sleeping:
    • a peach pit
    • a small square of paper with the symbol of the sex of the child you want on it
    • a raccoon dong
    • a pinch of parsley
    • a pinch of damiana
    • a pinch of lemongrass
    • a piece of ginseng root.

The best of luck to you! Let me know how you do. 🙂

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